


Broken and replaceable

by Galrafloofandlove



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura (Voltron)-centric, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blue Paladin Allura (Voltron), Cutting, Depression, F/F, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Heavy Angst, Lesbian Allura (Voltron), Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Pansexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 05:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15430125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galrafloofandlove/pseuds/Galrafloofandlove
Summary: (Read tags, heavy stuff ahead)After Lotor is gone, Allura realises everything was her fault...she's not needed. She's just broken and replaceable





	Broken and replaceable

Her head ached. She hadn't slept for days on end. When she tried to sleep, her kiss with Lotor flashed in her head, bright, beautiful and warming, bringing happiness to everything around her and making her heart full...until his eyes flashed yellow and he was stained with blood. None of it was real. None of it meant anything… none of love meant anything. None of life meant anything. 

~~~~~~~

She kept a straight face around the others. Nobody knew how much she was hurting constantly, day and night. The bags under her eyes became apparent after not sleeping for so long. Still, she continued to fly the Blue Lion. Romelle and Krolia stayed in Blue with her. Allura piloted Blue like she always did, nothing changed in her life…

That's how life always is. She stays here like a machine piloting like she always does. She was just a machine on repeat, doing the same thing over and over and over again. Passing by planets on the way to Earth, fighting Galra ships when needed. As the days went on like this, she started to get some sleep, although it was filled with nightmarish images of Lotor and the kiss that she swore would haunt her forever. 

and forever

and forever

and

forever  
~~~~~~~

Everybody was happy

They were going back home, back to where they had made so many happy memories and back to people they loved…

Except her. 

Pidge had her family. Her mother, her father, her brother. Hunk had his family. Lance had his family and the thing called 'rain’. Shiro...Allura wasn't sure what Shiro had. He had to have somebody, she thought. Same with Keith. She told herself everybody had something to look forward to but herself…

That's the first time the thought came

Would they be better off without me?

~~~~~~

She suppressed those thoughts. She continued to be happy and joyful. For the sake of the paladins, for Coran's sake, hell, for Romelle and Krolia's sake. They couldn't see her like this. They couldn't. She was the strong one from the beginning. She had never cried in front of them...except Lance. No, she couldn't go to Lance. She had rejected him, he probably hated her. No way he would have helped her after all she did. She helped Lotor build a ship that could have been their downfall, and had the nerve to reject him. She should be begging them to not kill her. To not leave her on a random planet to have her die of starvation, dehydration, leave her without oxygen, stab her once and let her bleed out on her own as they left to go on happily without the weight holding them down. That's all she was. 

Dead weight. 

~~~~~~

Would they be better off without me?  
…  
…  
…  
Yes.

~~~~~~

Her Bayard hit the skin. 

It burned

And burned

And burned

But it felt right. 

The scaling pain on her left arm was what she deserved. As the small cut let out a small stream of blood running down her arm onto her fingers, the area she had cut grew a bright red…

Scarring. 

Scarring her delicate brown skin. 

Blood of generations of royal Alteans staining her fingernails. 

This was right.

This is right. 

~~~~~~

She was able to hide the burn. It had left a thin reddish pink line, and it hurt like hell when it brushed up against her clothes. Speaking of which, that's how she hid it. Most of her clothes were long sleeve, and she only wore those long sleeves. Covering up her pain. Covering up the scars. Everything covered in fabric and a fake smile. 

They didn't need her. 

Anybody could fly blue. They couldn't even form wormholes anymore, what was the point of her? That's all she did. Form wormholes, fly Blue. She wasn't needed

She was never needed

She was nothing

She was replaceable

~~~~~~

She was broken, like a glass window hit with a baseball. 

Just like a broken glass window, her piece were scattered around in sharp, edged on the floor. 

Just like a broken glass window, she has replaceable.

As the days grew like this, more cuts appeared down her left arm. All around there was a scarring burn line. Her blood stained the inside of the Blue Lion that she wiped up from the cold metal floor. 

Everything finally clicked into place when they were merely planets from Earth. Blue wouldn't respond to her orders. No matter how hard she tried, Blue flew on her own. She made her own path, and Allura couldn't control it. They ultimately still won the battle, but with Blue not respond to her paladin’s touch, her thought became a reality. No longer was she unneeded, there was nothing she could do to help. She wasn't just replaceable, now she needed to be replaced. She jerked her helmet off her head, changed into her usual outfit, and fired up her Bayard. She held the glowing blade on the end to her neck, and moved it closer.

And closer

And closer-

“ALLURA!” 

~~~~~~

The youngest paladin held Allura’s head in their lap, running their fingers through her hair as the pink paladin cried. Pidge's pants were wet with Allura’s tears, but she didn't mind. Allura's neck had a slight red mark where the heated blade had grown too close and burned the skin. Pidge had seen the scars all over her arm. She noticed her puffy red eyes, tear streaked face, and the dying glimmer in her eyes. They had walked in moments before Allura would have slit her throat. The paladins would find her soaked in her own blood, Bayard by her side, and a note written in Altean. Allura hadn't told Pidge what she was doing, but Pidge could figure it out on context clues- they weren't top of their class for nothing. Pidge had found Allura, and Allura had dropped her Bayard and looked up at Pidge with wide eyes. Tears formed in her eyes, and Pidge quickly ran to comfort their friend, taking her into their lap and they sobbed and mumbled something unintelligible. Pidge just hummed softly and ran their fingers through the Princess’s light flowy hair. After a while, Allura lifted her head off of Pidge's lap, and wiped her tears so she could explain. “I'm so sorry…” she started, but Pidge cut her off. “Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.” Allura looked the green paladin in the eyes. “No, it's my fault… I'm so sorry… just with Lotor and the Blue Lion wasn't responding to me just, what was the point in staying? I'm worthless and replaceable and unneeded and nobody cares about me-” Allura said quickly through tears. At the last line she said, Pidge held the princess’s face and touched their lips on hers. When they pulled away, Pidge just wrapped their arms around Allura. “Don't say that. I...I like you Allura. I care about you. You're not replaceable. There isn't anybody in the reached of the universe that could even come close to replacing you.” They said, holding the older girl closer. Allura, still shocked at Pidge’s words and Pidge’s lips, did something she hadn't done for a long time. 

She smiled. 

~~~~~~

Once they made it back to Earth, Pidge showed Allura that if she ever wanted to cover up the small scar on her neck, or the scars on her arms, that something called 'concealer’ exists. Introducing Allura to Pidge's mom went perfectly, and since Matt and her dad already knew Allura, it was easy to tell them they were dating. Matt smiled at the news, saying at least one person in the family got the alien princess. 

One morning, Pidge found Allura starting at the sunrise. Pidge just walked up to the window Allura was looking out, and held her hand. There was a silence for a while, until Allura spoke. 

“I miss Altea. Altea was home, but…” 

She turned to her partner

“Anywhere you're at home, I'm at home.”

Pidge smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this, I wrote it during a little depressive point. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](https://galrafloofandlove.tumblr.com)! || [Twitter](https://twitter.com/GalraFloof)


End file.
